Top 5 Marryable Women in Movies

C. When I was a young lad, I always had a thing for Brittany the Chipette from The Chipmunk Adventure.  So I added a rule that one needs to marry a non-animated humanoid of the legal age of consent...otherwise, this list could land me in jail.  The good news is, Brittany's the only one I thought of.  It's more for nostalgia reasons than anything else, so I'm probably still qualified to babysit your kids.

So here it goes:

5. Xenia Onatopp - Goldeneye

This first one is going to be controversial, as a lot of marriage problems come to mind when I seriously consider this union.  However, there's something oddly attractive about this luscious Russian spy. In any other situation, James Bond would have died a happy man with this one by his side. 

Played by the gorgeous Famke Janssen, this S&M monster is so genuinely into her fetish, that you can't help but think of her as a slave to her own fancy as opposed to an evil villain. I sense a subtext that she'd be A-OK if not for the fact that she was picked up by the other side first.  She's portrayed on screen as fairly 2-dimensional, which would be ideal in this instance, but something tells me she's a bit emotionally imbalanced:

She makes Casino Royale look like church! Daniel Craig only bangs ONE chick, then he quits spying so he can spend the rest of his life with her -- then he gets all sad when she's dead.  Have they even seen a James Bond movie before?  Sean Connery would just shrug and smile every time some chick he was boinking drowned in an underwater cage. 

Anyway, I had legitimate trouble picking out which scene would best exemplify how hot Xenia is.  But feel free to check out the one where she's hanging from a tree, trying to crush Bond to death, the scene where she actually does crush a guy to death with her thighs, or even the one where she has an orgasm while shooting a bunch of scientists.  If you wouldn't want to wake up with that girl every day, then you're a puss...

4. Stephanie Speck - Short Circuit

I don't know what it is about Ally Sheedy's character in this movie -- there's just an odd innocence about her, but somehow she still exudes a very real and grown-up sexuality.  She seems a bit off and fancy free, but has the type of life you wouldn't expect a girl like that to have.  Something screams to me that she's all cool and mysterious, living alone in a house with a terrible redneck boyfriend who she kicks out.

Plus, she's probably a minx.  Technically, the whole plot revolves around her falling in love with a robot. Granted she has a choice between the somewhat abusive boyfriend, Wall-E's granddaddy, and Steve "I'm so inherently embarrassing that it's not even funny to ridicule me anymore" Guttenburg.  The fact that she actually ends up with Guttenburg is much less likely than her falling in love with a robot that received a soul from a bolt of lightning. I'll just pretend there was a director's cut where she ended up marrying Johnny 5 and making mechanical porn videos in her garage (the original ending). If you don't believe me, check out her face from about 0:43-0:56 in the above video.  First Johnny 5 eyes her up and down after walking in on her naked in the bath. She covers up (but is clearly flattered).  Then at about 0:58 he inappropriately raises his eyebrows in a little "hubba hubba" motion and she starts to warm up to the idea. 

I love you, Ally Sheedy.  And thank you for acting in Short Circuit so I didn't have to admit that I also sort of want to marry your character in The Breakfast Club.  Somehow she strikes me as more disturbed than Xenia Onatopp.

3. Madison - Splash

I think this is a no-brainer.  When she first shows up, she's naked, she can't talk, she looks like Daryl Hannah in 1984, and all she wants to do is have sex with Tom Hanks all day, who is rightfully a goofy looking dude.  Replace the name "Tom Hanks" with "me" and there you go.  End of story.  Nude and not able to speak English, that's the dream.  It's almost like Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element but hornier and not able to kill me with her bare hands.  (Insert "but her lower half smells like fish" joke here)

2. Nora Charles - The Thin Man series.

Before they had an "infinite playlist" Nick and Nora were the alcohol-obsessed private sleuth duo that were literally perfect together.  But usually "perfect couple" means "she puts up with all his shit."  Not only does she put up with it, but she also encourages and partakes.  However, it never stops her from being the responsible one in the relationship.  Leaving all the tomfoolery to her husband.

Obviously, the key link is that she's soulmates with a guy that most guys would love to be just like.  He's a private eye who can hold his liquor better than anyone.  ROCK!

Not only all that, but she's painfully witty and pretty to look at as well.  Make sure you make it at least to 2:34 in the video.  It's a long one, but it's worth it.  Myrna Loy is wonderful in all of her flicks so if you're not familiar, check her out.

Did you see that?  The whole movie she actually feels like the original Manic Pixie Dream Girl, but she marries the guy.  She's not just a plot device but the actual "ideal girl" with her own thoughts and desires (usually centering around sex and/or whimsical fun).  Plus she's freaking Barbarella.  The scene above is part of a five-night newlywed sexcapade.  Her whole purpose is to make Robert Redford happy, but as said above, there's something oddly realistic about her. After a big fight with her husband, she still takes him back because he skips work and gets wasted all day.